Something Funny in my Inbox this Morning…

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week !!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT !! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? 
Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny little bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't 
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the 
floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
__________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up 
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds !!!

Coke vs. Water

Just because I really love this article:

Water vs. Coke

WATER...

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (likely applies to half the world population).
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even mild dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters, a U-Washington study showed.
5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of suffers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
9. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? As a rule of thumb - drink half your weight in ounces of water a day. If you workout 3+ times a week and live in a humid climate add another 24+ ounces to that number. Additionally, caffeine and alcohol dehydrate the body; drink twice the water as you did coffee or alcohol to replace water loss.

COKE...

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk of their cruisers to remove blood from the highway after an accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone within 3 days.
3. To clean a toilet bowl; pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers; rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coke.
5. The corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coke over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coke to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To remove grease from cloths: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy cloths, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION...

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in Osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coke syrup the commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean their truck engines for about 20 years!

Now the question: would you like a glass of Water or a glass of Coke?